In the past few weeks, I've been feeling a new emotion (for me) - Jealousy. Which is weird because I've never been one to be jealous of, well, pretty much anything; I have always been the friend that brings over the champagne when you get a new job or gets way too over-excited when you finally are able to buy that bag you've been dreaming of for years. In relationships, I've never worried about other girls and the oh so common 'what if he figures out that his friend is prettier than me.' No aunty would dare to compare me to others as they simply got frustrated when instead of bowing my head in shame while they told me my relative had far better math skills than me, I would hype up her up and say, "yeah, she's going to make one hell of finance woman one day." Yet recently, that sense of pride and joy for others has been suppressed by these thoughts of, 'why are they getting to live a certain way and I can't' or 'why have they got that, and I don't.' I find myself being upset over the dumbest of situations with my partner like 'oh you told her this minuscule thing before me?!' Or feeling ashamed of myself and intensely jealous when someone I knew in college posted on Linkedin that, they got a great job because I was still sitting on my desk back at home, applying to jobs six months after graduation and not really getting anywhere. Yes, while in my head, I understood that we are in a pandemic and the market is terrible, and relationships are strained because of it, I couldn't help feeling so put down by the world and therefore unconsciously putting others down too through my jealous demeanor.
You see as a brown kid; you're always told an A is never good enough; you need an A+ . I think the meme of Kamala Harris's aunts saying, "Why only vice president, why not president" describes the situation perfectly. You aren't successful unless you are the best or at the top of your field or where society expects you to be in life. So when that proverbial A+ seems entirely out of reach because you aren't where you thought you were going to be, even though you're working exceptionally hard to get there, it can be detrimental to you're outlook on life and your relationships. I personally have been working my ass off trying to build this blog, work on other projects, helping with the family business, and continuously applying for jobs. Which im sure many of you can relate to. Yet recently, none of it seemed worth it because I didn't feel like my life was where I had envisioned it to be at 22 years old. So I got jealous of others that seemed to be where I had previously seen myself to be.
However, this morning, I woke up feeling like crap and again beating myself up over things completely out of my control and scrolling through Instagram feeling jealous of the people with 20K followers and showcasing their what I believed to be the 'perfect' life. Luckily for me, one of my best friends texted me out of the blue and asked how I was doing. I was so sick of constantly saying the usual 'I'm fine, how are you?' that I begrudgingly explained how I was feeling and went on and on about life how this wasn't what it was supposed to be l,ike. After listening for about 15 minutes, she interrupted my very negative vent/ramble and told me to check myself and take the advice that I had given her months ago when she was in a similar mindset. She said, "This is a phase Alyssa, you are doing so much, working so hard and you will see results. It's just not your time yet, so keep pushing, and you will get there. In the meantime, why are you letting yourself feel so jealous that you feel the need to put others down when you have no idea what they are going through."
As soon as she said that, oh so well known phrase, something just clicked. As obvious as it was, I realized I didn't know what they were going through. I had been so involved in myself and believing, 'Oh my god, everyone else is doing so great and look me' and thus becoming so insecure that I forgot I really couldn't know that. God forbid, but maybe that girl who got the job before me was on her last few dollars in her bank account when she got the good news. Perhaps that friend I thought was prettier than I had spent the night before picking herself apart because some idiot had made a stupid comment about her body. Now by no means do I wish those things to be true, but the point is that I didn't know if they were. That's when I understood that Jealousy, in this manner, is an idiotic emotion.
You never know someone's story, you never know what they are going through, and even if their life is perfect, their journey isn't yours. They may have struggled; they may have had their life be a breeze but being jealous of others doesn't change your life for the better in any way, shape, or form. It just prevents you from pushing yourself even harder to get where you want to be.
So, yes, I admit it im 22, almost 23, still at home, over 200 job applications in, pursuing tons of amazing projects, and working my ass off to reach my goals. Life may not be perfect, and someone will always have something or be something I am not, and that's okay. The reason for this blog post is that I feel like a lot of us are in the same boat and maybe some of you are experiencing the same feeling of not being good enough, especially during this pandemic, and like me, it's causing you to be more jealous than ever- but don't let it. Your life is precisely that, YOUR life. You are exactly where you are meant to be at this moment, and you will get to where you are going.
I am always here to talk, so please feel free to DM me any time. I hope that by sharing this awfully depressive experience, maybe some of you will feel less alone because Jealousy is an incredibly lonely emotion.
So today, let's finish this very cheesy blog post off with a just as cheesy yet very accurate quote:
"Jealousy only eats up your beauty. Have faith in yourself. You have something that others don't."