Im not okay and that’s okay.
If you know me, you know im a perfectionist, you know I despise asking for help and constantly need to succeed ( ISC kid, am I right?). When the pandemic hit, I was so sure that it would all blow over before it was time for me to finally put on my big girl pants, get a job and start the next chapter of my life with a bang. Three months later, the world had locked down; I was a college graduate with a 4.0 GPA and a Valedictorian nominee living in an Airbnb with my brother and my boyfriend, only slightly freaking out over what was going to happen next. Almost 6 months after COVID began im sitting in my boyfriend's house with 100s of job applications under my belt, no replies, and contemplating if it's time to go home for a little while.
See when this whole thing began- even though I knew it was unlikely- I told myself I would be one of the few that got her dream job and would head into this new life of adulthood that I had anxiously been waiting for, for years. That obviously didn't happen, so instead, I started a business and a blog in order to keep myself busy and maybe just maybe grow something out of this time of uncertainty. Yet again, I was disappointed when neither took off as fast as I had hoped. On top of it, all my boyfriend then didn't get his visa, and I realized that in a few short months, I would have to go back to a long-distance relationship after almost three years of believing that after college, my love life would be so much more simple.
Now bare with me because I know this sounds like a giant paragraph of complaints ( because it is), and I know the world's smallest violin is playing on my shoulder right now- but hear me out. Throughout this entire period, I wouldn't allow myself to become negative, every set back posed an opportunity, and every disappointment possessed the ability to become a future accomplishment. I worked harder than ever before and pushed myself to simply be better and don't get me wrong, normally that would be positive, but the thing was I didn't slow down at all. You see, I understand that this pandemic has put people in far worse situations than I, and I also understand that yes, there has been good that has come out of the whole experience, like getting to spend three months with my little brother and seeing family I otherwise wouldn't see for another year whilst also starting something that truly allowed me to connect with people through my writing. However, regardless of all of that, I recently realized that after one day seemingly out of nowhere falling apart, I deserve to feel shitty sometimes. I deserve to complain and sit in bed and watch stupid amounts of Netflix while chomping down on s' mores pop tarts. I deserve to get angry at the world and feel cheated after working my ass off for four years- and that doesn't make me a failure.
I think, as ISC kids, we sometimes put so much pressure on ourselves to remain positive and ultimately be successful. It may be because of the stereotypical Desi parent attitude of 'you need an A++ to win at life' many of us grew up with, or the seemingly ISC need to constantly compare ourselves to others that makes us forget that every once in a while, its healthy to not be okay. This pandemic has put a strain on every single one of us as unless you are a COVID immune rep for Clorox; I guarantee it has impacted your mental health in one way or another, and I think it's about time we realize that positivity is great and should be our goal 98% of the time but in order to remain that way we must allow for the 2%. It may seem selfish and ridiculous, but I am proud of myself for finally understanding that LIFE IS HARD right now. This is a period of my life that I knew would already have its challenges add a pandemic, and life seems more daunting than ever, but I will get through it, and so will you.
So if you need to take a day or even a few- do it. Just remember that as cheesy as it sounds, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and no matter how hard it seems right now, it will all be okay.
*ISC- A person from the Indian Sub Continent.